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My worst trait is that I'm never content or happy with what I have. There is never enough. If I'm not missing one thing, it's something else. I never have it all. Am I cursed to eternally living life missing that one thing, whatever it is at that moment?

For a long time, I didn't have a "complete" family.
For a long time, I didn't have my undergraduate degree and a career.
For a long time, I didn't have a happy, healthy, loving relationship.
For a long time, I didn't have [insert whatever I think would make my life complete and happy if only I had this one thing].

I feel like ... a stock market. Trading things around, sometimes gaining this, sometimes losing that, never really having it all. I learned (the hard way) never to equate my happiness to any one thing/person; to do so would be to set my heart up for disappointment. So over time I learned to spread it around---diversify my happiness portfolio, if you will. It's supposed to be safer that way so that you're not investing everything you have on just one chance, one big risk. But to lose even one bet ... though I continue to profit on the others ... is still devastating. A huge piece of my principal investment.

But that's the thing about investing. You make your decisions to buy/sell/trade, fully aware of the risks. You assume total responsibility. If things don't play out the way you hoped they would, there's no one to blame but yourself. You're the one who took that chance.

A labile and hostile market really isn't the best analogy. It'd be a lot easier if I was just losing money.

No matter who God brings in and out of my life, I still find loneliness in the depths of my heart. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I should know better but ... I really am starting to believe that I'm just destined to be lonely, one way or another.

I smile, I laugh, I tell you that everything is going really well. I let you go on believing that I'm fine. Just as fine as can be. But thoughts race inside my mind. I'm here but I'm not really here. I'm not myself. I don't know how to be myself right now. I can't, I just can't. I don't know why. I hate it, I hate this feeling. I don't think I've ever felt this before ... the inability to be myself. This isn't me.

I try to fake it 'til I make it. But I hate being fake. Abhor it. But to be real, right now, at this moment ... I'm not sure that's a good idea either. Can I handle it? Can you handle it? I don't know. It's not an option anyway. Ironically, to be real would mean to be everything I know I'm not. No one understands.

And that's okay. I'm a complicated person. Sometimes. Sometimes I'm really simple. Sometimes it doesn't take much to make me happy.

This is so selfish of me. Being unhappy is selfish. Being unhappy when you have a lot of things a lot of other people don't is selfish.

I envy social butterflies. People who seem to have endless friends to see, places to go, experiences to experience. Funny huh? In my last post, I wrote about how content I am to be a loner. Told you I'm complicated. Sometimes.

Unexplained loneliness. Actually, it's very explainable. If anyone would listen, this is what I'd say.

I generally consider myself a "people person." I like people. I love people. That's one thing about nursing that really appeals to me---I get to work with and be around others all day. I love human interaction and connection. But deep, deep down, past the surface of my being, I'm really a loner.

When I was a kid, I spent a lot of time at home alone. For the first several years of my life, my mom, three uncles, and I all lived together. I remember I was probably in kindergarten when my mom explained to me that in the afternoon, my uncle has to leave for work, and I'll be alone for about an hour until someone else comes home. By the time I was nine, the last uncle to get married moved out. For much of elementary school, the bus would drop me off and I'd use the key my mom gave me to open the door to an empty house.

For this reason, I always wished I had a sibling and I knew, I just knew that I'd always surround myself with people and friends when I get older so I never have to feel lonely. Yet while I love being around friends and my very big extended family ... at the end of the day, I long to retreat to an empty home. My most comfortable days are spent by myself. Not my happiest days, but my most comfortable days.

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I'm having one of my favorite mornings today. My favorite morning is this: wake up, brush my teeth, let Lola out, open all the blinds in the house to let the sun in, turn on soft music in my room, and ... think. Write. Type. Maybe have coffee. Or tea. And just be. By myself.

Another excerpt from my pen-and-paper journal:

It's a warm Saturday morning ... just comfortable enough to enjoy some time outside with Lola ... The skies are so clear today. I feel so calm and at peace. Two of my patients/family members remarked on how calm I am yesterday ... it's funny. I never thought of myself as a calm person until I started nursing school [and was surrounded by people who are the farthest thing from calm!]. I kind of always wanted to be one of those super high energy people who could get things moving. I admire people like that---well, those with positive high energy. I usually feel inspired and motivated around such people. But that's not me---I'm mellow yellow. Laid back Linda. I wonder if my family and close friends would describe me as "calm." They've certainly seen me in those moments when I'm not. Being mellow isn't exactly on my list of personal strengths---not something I particularly aim for or pride myself on. But yesterday was at least the fourth time a patient has been appreciative of my serene presence. I guess it makes sense---patients are anxious enough being hospitalized. They don't need their nurses to add to it. As much as I wish I could be that bubbly, happy-go-lucky girl that could move mountains with the sheer force of her energy, I'm starting to think that maybe God does create us just the way we are to serve His purpose. Maybe when He designed me He meant for me to later bring a sense of calm and peace to people whose lives may be rocked by a new diagnosis. Maybe He meant for me to be a nurse.

Excerpted from a letter I wrote in reply to a dear friend:

So you asked what is on my mind and in my heart today ... do you ever feel like each day the world slowly crumbles at your feet yet there is nothing you can do about it? Last night, my mom was watching a documentary that gathered many people's video footage of the tsunami that hit Japan. I guess at the time, I didn't follow the story too closely. Honestly, I think I avoid following news like that, about massive destruction, suffering, and loss ... I think it makes me feel guilty about the way I live. I take for granted every middle-class American comfort and luxury I have, even wanting more, more, more. So I just don't watch it---how else can I continue living this way? Last week, I browsed through photos of the Somali famine/crisis ... it was really eye-opening to see those suffering from it, especially the malnourished children! They are literally skin and bones, eyes bulging, absolutely emaciated. I wonder if they have enough strength left to cry, or are hydrated enough to form tears. I made a donation to Save the Children that night ... their plea is "$20 can feed a child for 20 days. $50 for 50. $100 for 100." I'm grateful for the existence of all of these wonderful organizations---but my heart aches---both for the suffering and those trying their best to help them. So I helped feed a child for the time being ... but what happens after 100 days? After the summer drought is over and no amount of rain can wash away all the hunger, all the thirst, all the pain that exists in that corner of the world and so many others? It's amazing how small our world can be sometimes. Yet it is so big that such misery and destruction can, not only exist, but persevere, and I am so far removed that it doesn't affect me. I am unaware. And there is nothing I can do about it ...

Tell me what's on your mind, friend.

Slowing down to write with pen and paper can bring out and illuminate so much that would have otherwise gotten lost in the motions of daily life.

It's a cool 77 degrees outside and the overcast sky is a lovely blue-gray color I haven't seen in awhile. The rain smells so good this morning. I let Lola out and didn't mind at all that she was taking her sweet time. I closed my eyes and listened to the tiny rain drops hitting the leaves, the gutter, the ground. I heard cars passing by, teenagers shouting, birds chirping in the distance. I felt the cool breeze washing over me. And Lola! She was pretty excited about the rain, too.

I know it's going to get up to 101 today, and I know tomorrow's forecast is mostly sunny with a high of 105. But in this moment, I feel the coming of fall. I love the holidays, and I love winter, but autumn is the anticipation of all of that. Sometimes looking forward to something can be just as fun as that something itself, maybe even more. Autumn is cardigans and sweaters. Autumn is the first sip of hot caramel apple cider. Autumn is when the oven turns back on and the smell of cookies, cupcakes, and pies wafts through the house. Autumn is the quietness at home when there is neither air-conditioning nor heat running.

Autumn is my favorite season.

Soon the kids will be going back to school and the heat will drop back into the 90s..80s.. You can find me enjoying the last weeks of summer, wearing my shorts and flip flops, sipping on iced coffee. And then it will be time to bring out the light scarves and muffin pans.

Hey LJ and LJ friends. Paul reminded me via Facebook that it's been awhile since I've updated. (Thanks, Paulie---this one's for you!) Today is a nice quiet day at home with Lola. I'm feeling a little under the weather but I've got to get over it so I can get through this 3-in-a-row I'm about to work.

Yesterday I was hanging out in the living room with my mom when she made this comment, "You're really lucky to have a job right out of school, you know, yet you're always complaining." I don't think I'm a complainer, really. Or am I? Either way, I do admit that my complaining has at least doubled since I started work. I had to explain to my mom that I really am thankful to have a job. I thank God every time I walk through the front doors of the hospital. But it's not an easy job. The work is very demanding and stressful---and I know that there is a different stress to every job, but I guess I really feel the pressure of holding someone's life in my hands. Okay, okay, it's not that dramatic, but it can be sometimes. If I don't do a certain thing at a certain time, I very well may be endangering someone's life. A responsibility of that magnitude combined with working short-staffed most days and some patients/doctors who think they are the only ones I'm there for ... easily depletes me of all physical, mental, and emotional energy. One thing I've heard several nurses say is that it's really difficult to explain all of this to someone who doesn't work in the field and just doesn't ... know. My mom seemed to, more or less, get it though. I guess I should also cut back on the whining and accept the reality of my work. I love what I do. At the very heart of it, I love what I do. The people you love come with flaws but you love them anyway---I guess the same should apply to your work.

Lately I've really been missing two things: my friends and creating. It's been harder than ever to coordinate schedules and just hang out. It's not like it was when we were in school or not working these real jobs. I could definitely make more effort though. Friendship is important to me and I should always live true to that. I think we are in need of a karaoke night soon. :)

I'm also not finding time to do something else I love: make, create, design, produce. Part of it is I'm uninspired. Part of it is I don't need anything right now. Part of it is I can't stand clutter and right now I have no room for extra "stuff."

Well, I had more to say but I've got to go see a friend! :) 'Til next time! ♥

I feel incomplete.. missing something. Maybe I know what it is but I'm too afraid to say it. Maybe I don't know what it is at all. Maybe this is a transient feeling that will flee from me in a few moments.. surely to return someday, not long from now. The only things I know with certainty in this moment are.. my heart aches. I'm fighting back the tears. It all started when I decided today would be the day I'd start organizing all these loose photographs into albums. Something about old photos. The Colbie Caillat and Joshua Radin Pandora stations only compounded the effect of those memories. They're good memories. So many smiles and how bright those eyes! That is all I know with certainty.

Before I begin, I just want to note that it is a beautiful Saturday morning. The house is quiet, sunlight streams through the windows, and for the first time in awhile, my mind is at peace enough for me to reflect and write out my thoughts.

I've been "on my own" at work for five weeks now. "Some days are better than others" has become my default answer to inquiries about how work is going. When I say it to people who aren't in the field, it probably sounds nondescript, neither here nor there. When I say it to a fellow nurse, I get a knowing look, smile, and nod---and we mutually acknowledge this as scientific fact. After I wrote my previous entry, I received some very helpful comments, online and in person (thank you for that!) Since then, I've made a deliberate decision to adjust my attitude.

And it's helping. When I don't feel like going in, I remind myself that I have a job that pays relatively well---something so many others desperately need and I am truly fortunate to have. On the really bad days, I just take refuge in the fact that I'm alive and able to work. But those days are becoming fewer and farther between. Most of the time, I leave work satisfied enough that today, I've helped somebody. Today, there was purpose and reason for what I do. Today, somebody needed me and I was there.

It also really helps when a patient and his/her family tell me that I'm a great nurse; they've been in and out of hospitals a lot and I'm at the top of the list; it's obvious I'm in this because I care about people; they hope to have me again tomorrow. I thank them for their generous comments and wonder what on earth I did today to deserve that ... but hey, undeserving or not, I'll take it.

Nobody comes straight out of school and into their dream job, ultimate success achieved. I'm paying my dues, gathering the necessary experience to get to where I want to go---and that's how it ought to be done. By the way, I talked to a Navy nurse recruiter yesterday. Very interesting options. Not for now, but who knows? They even have part-time positions where you go out to the local base and work on the weekends but once or twice a year, you may be sent to do humanitarian work in other countries. Just something to think about.

Well, here I am.. finishing up the first week of nursing intern orientation. We haven't done anything exciting yet; we've learned how to use the computer charting and medication system and we've done a few required courses online. The fun stuff (NCLEX and actually being on the floor) is coming soon.

This is it. I'm here. In August of 2005 I took my first college classes and five-and-a-half long, at times difficult and taxing years later, I'm here. I made it.

People sometimes ask what my dream job would be. I always answer, "A rock star! But really, a nurse." This is my dream job ... and I've achieved it (weird feeling).

I am so blessed and fortunate to be called into this profession, in which my heart and passion lie, and yet it is also very much stable in terms of making a living. I am very fortunate.

We were all created for something; we all have dreams, career-related or not---dreams that were meant to be not only pursued and fought for, but also accomplished successfully and passionately.

I hope I can be a source of love, support, encouragement, and motivation that all my loved ones have been for me. I hope I get to be there to hear about their "weird feelings" when they've reached their goals (and then again when they make new ones after that!)

I'm already wondering about what my next steps and my next goal will be. That's the thing about dreams---they don't stop just because one is complete. And that's the thing about dreamers---they don't stop dreaming.